The sh*t list: Zooey Deschanel

Welcome to The sh*t list, a recurring column in which we will discuss the actors and actresses that we hate for no apparent reason other than they annoy the crap out of us. Today’s victim: Zooey Deschanel of TV’s “New Girl.”

I’ve got no problem with people being quirky. It’s a character trait, which in moderation, can be quite interesting. However, quirkiness should not define one’s life. Apparently someone forgot to tell that to the spectacularly annoying Zooey Deschanel, who has made an entire career out of the conceit of the manic pixie dream girl writ real, much to my chagrin.

Think about this. Have you ever seen Ms. Deschanel when she is not doing something twee or “adorkable,” to quote the Fox marketing execs shamelessly shilling her awful show “New Girl”? Has she ever just been real and not some hipster masturbation fantasy?

Oh look, let’s build an entire show around how darn cute and odd Zooey is! She can be this free spirit who lives with a bunch of dudes! Isn’t that hilarious? It is, because she wears glasses! And is all flibbertigibbety!

I can’t think of a movie that Ms. Deschanel was in where I wasn’t distracted by how goddamn annoying and cloying she was. She got on my nerves in “Your Highness.” I wanted her to get hit by a bus in “(500) Days of Summer.” I never even saw “Tin Man,” but the idea of her as Dorothy made me want to spit up in my mouth a little bit.

And just to further point out how Ms. Deschanel is catnip for the Williamsburg/Silver Lake crowd (and trust me, the folks making these shows and movies know this), I present “Flakes,” a truly terrible movie about … a cereal bar, where Deschanel plays, “Miss Pussy Katz, the stylish creator of radically themed art clothing.” What the fuck does that mean? And look at the DVD – I’ve never wanted to punch a box so badly before.

Let’s talk about arguably her most famous role, Will Ferrell’s love interest in “Elf.” Her character’s name in the movie is JOVIE, which is unbelievably stupid and oh-so-hipster that it almost seems fitting. And then there’s her big scene, where she unleashes her devastating vocal chops to the world…

Yes, Ms. Deschanel fancies herself quite the chanteuse, as she is part of a group, “She & Him,” that only people who wear painted on jeans and ironic glasses could love. I have never heard one song of theirs, quite simply because I don’t want blood to spill from my ears. I have, however, heard Ms. Deschanel’s lovely irritating ode to the finest of fabrics.

LOOK HO, I WEAR COTTON TOO – YOU AIN’T SPECIAL!

Whatever it is that Ms. Deschanel has done to capture the hearts and minds of the 20-something bearded set – and those who market their products toward them – I seem to have missed the memo. I am rooting for “New Girl” to be one of the season’s first casualties, and I have an ally in Washington Post TV critic Hank Steuver, who eviscerated the show in his season preview, giving it an F. Yes, that means the show about fairy tales come to life is better than “New Girl.”

Whenever I write one of these, there’s a flurry of emails from fans of the subject angry that I had the nerve to take down their crush/idol/hero. I have a feeling that if any of Ms. Deschanel’s fans can shake their ennui enough to read this, firing off a rebuttal will be difficult to accomplish on their ironic manual typewriters.

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~ by Elliott on September 20, 2011.

17 Responses to “The sh*t list: Zooey Deschanel”

  1. Thank god somebody agrees.
    The show is horrific. All the characters, except her model best friend, are annoying and no characters to like.
    And to make it seem like they didn’t let her move in in attempt to nail her is absurd.

  2. God bless you. I have heard her sing on she and him. She really fancies herself a singer and I don’t know if her parents told her she could sing but who ever it was was wrong! It’s not that she can’t carry a tune, she’s in key, but her voice is monotone and just void of any feeling, very nasal.

    I was beginning to think before I read this article that I was the only one who was wondering why this girl is popular, famous, and suspected of having talent. Personally I think it’s her family. I don’t think her sister is particularly talented either yet she came from nowhere to get a TV show “Bones” which frankly should have been cancelled years ago. I don’t know, maybe their famous dad is pulling strings, can’t say there are no facts to support that theory. But going from fur throwing activist number 20 to major network TV show seems a little fishy to me.

    Either way this new show “New Girl” is horrible. I didn’t want to add to the ratings but I caught the 2nd episode out of curiosity. Somehow it got picked up and not just cancelled??

    Personally I don’t care about acting, I just wish some of these actors that fancy themselves “Musicians” would cut the crap and leave music to the pro’s.

  3. You, my friend, are a genius.

  4. And here I thought I was the only one epicly irritated by her. Thank you so much!

  5. her voice and character (in everything, ever. just the one) feel like she’s never actually gone through anything, outside of being privileged and white, as all hipsters invent their hardships and “cheap, bohemian” lifestyle: “i’m so fucking quirky that i don’t care about money! never mind that i spent my trust on mac laptops and vegan scones! look at my thrift store dress and bicycle!”. i have never watched the show, as it is right the fuck up there with one tree hill for me. so many things about her are just wildly inaccurate as a likable human being, and i wish her parents would have cut her off instead of supporting the massive-headed moron.

  6. I’m sick and tired of hearing about Zooey Deschanel and how hot she is from every hipster guy ever. Her music is boring, her ‘quirkiness’ makes me want to stab my fucking eyes out, and her acting is the same in every goddamn movie. Zooey Deschanel isn’t a real woman. She’s a goddamn actress.

  7. I used to think she was nice. Must say those were the days I had only seen pics of her pretty face.

    I don’t like her voice.

    Acting is the same in all the movies and it is all that weird omg look I’m so different and special thiing. It’s just awkward after a while.

    I would deeply want her to change direction, mature and like play in more edgy interesting roles which her interesting face and all can complete.

  8. I really like She and Him. “Thieves” and “Why Do You Let Me Stay Here” are great, M. Ward is amazing… as is Zooey. Her voice is a welcome change especially when compared to Gaga, Katy, Beyoncè, Britney, Rihanna. They are stupid. Zooey has more personality in her music than all of them combined.

  9. I’m deeply fed up of all this Zooey thing bla-bla-bla. She’s not a ‘singer’, a plain actress. Please go producing someone else!

  10. I could not agree more. She drives me insane (especially her voice).

  11. The girl can`t sing, her voice makes me want to break my t.v and if I hear her sing the fabric of my life one more time I may boycott the dang company that hired her! Her acting in the Happening even made Wahlberg look bad, I don`t try to dislike people but for the life of me cannot figure out how she managed to become famous…..famoulsy irritating maybe…

  12. Thank you for this. I came looking for some solidarity, because those effing iPhone ads are driving me nuts. Couldn’t put my finger on it exactly before, but yes- it’s the quirky to be quirky bs.

  13. So irritating. It’s like this whole manufactured personality of being cute and squee and quirky, when the coolest thing is to just be yourself and not call attention to how you are being. I blame her agent for getting her the same kinds of roles over and over, but how long till she “breaks out” and does a movie where she wears no makeup and is a druggie street-person and goes for the Oscar? 5 years from now? Let’s take bets!

  14. I live in a hipster infested college town in which I seem to be the only person who dislikes this vapid, pretentious dolt. Thanks for the support, bro!

  15. OMG, I totally agree. I thought New Girl would be gone by now! I don’t like her sister, either. They are both annoying.

  16. first of all Zooey D. is okay – she is not super hot – she’s just a plain girl who has a great stylist – hair extensions – etc – and gets far too much media coverage for someone so average looking. Bangs look ridiculous on anyone older than 13 (so do pig tails) – Zooey actually has chunky legs – if you look at her legs – especially around the mid-calf area they are like two tree trunks – at the moment she is thin – but this kind of body shape will chunk out when she hits her mid-thirties. She is not even a very good actress – in fact she reminds me if another over-rated actress – Jennifer Aniston – who is also not hot. It behooves me to understand why guys are all over Zooey Deschanel when she simply is just average and I can pull any girl off the street and throw a fringe wig on her and she’d still look 100 times better. btw – Jessica Alba is hot – Angelina Jolie is hot – This Katie Perry wannabe is Not Hot – you guys out there need glasses!

  17. Love the picture – 50% bangs, 50% face. 0% talent. Perfectly described. Thanks Much for saying something that needs to be said – often.

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