A public service announcement from Donald Sutherland

Hello, I’m Donald Sutherland, veteran actor of the stage and screen. I’m speaking to you today to address a serious issue that is very important to me. Quite simply, I don’t want to die anymore.

I mean, c’mon! Every time I make a movie, I either get killed or die of old age. It’s not fair! Yes, I realize that I may be on the old side, but look at my robust mane! My full, strong beard! Check my posture – ramrod straight!

What have I done to you, the moviegoing public and Hollywood producers, to perpetuate this sick cycle of my death? Do you realize how much it sucks to wake up and go to work knowing that I am to be killed? I am a two-time Golden Globe Best Supporting Actor winner! I was in M*A*S*H for crying out loud – no, not the TV show, the movie!

I am only 76 – you know, people live longer and longer each year, but you wouldn’t know it from my recent cinematic output. Perhaps you saw me, in a wheelchair, no less, get murdered in “The Mechanic.” I didn’t even get the dignity of an on-screen death in “Horrible Bosses.” Nobody has Starz, so you didn’t see me bite the dust in “The Pillars of the Earth.”

“The Italian Job”? Dead. Some movie I did called “Beerfest” – dead. “Cold Mountain”? Yeah, I keeled over in that one. I got killed by my own daughter in “An American Haunting” because I was sexually abusing her. Great.

Do you know what my dreams are like? I get killed in them all the time. I know the ins and outs of the funeral process. It’s downright depressing. My family doesn’t even like to hang around with me, because I’m always obsessing about how I’m going to buy it in my next movie.

Please help me. I’m counting on you to make a difference. Help suggest a nice romantic comedy for me – I’m quite virile. How about a warm and fuzzy animated film – I can play a funny bear! Anything but death. Anything. /Begins sobbing.


~ by Elliott on August 15, 2011.

2 Responses to “A public service announcement from Donald Sutherland”

  1. Lol. I’ve been looking for some commentary on this trend. I noticed it years ago and hasn’t ended yet. It’s come to a point where whenever I see Donald Sutherland in a movie I wonder how many scenes he has before kicking the bucket. Dude is a great actor. This should end. I’m content to find it acknowledged somewhere though.

  2. From what I’ve read, almost everyone he’s ever worked with or met would happily kill him for real.

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