The worst movies of 2009

Who cares about good movies? OK, that may be a bit much, but the odds are, you’re not going to see whatever obscure foreign films wind up on the Top 10 lists of most mainstream critics, and neither am I.

But you likely are going to be perusing the shelves at your local video store or filling out your Netflix queue and will debate renting one of these films on this list. Hopefully, I’m going to prevent you from making a critical mistake.

I see a lot of crappy movies through my work as a psuedo-film critic, and to some extent, I enjoy bad movies. But the films that made this list went beyond just being bad. Watch at your own risk.

I have no problems imagining Kate Hudson starring in this kind of dreck, but Anne Hathaway? We all thought she had moved up a notch after her Oscar nominated effort in “Rachel Getting Married,” but here she is, pratfalling about in a hateful, unbelievable comedy. This is what Hollywood imagines women want to see – rich bitches fighting about getting married at a swank hotel.

Jeremy Piven plays a version of his Ari Gold character in this “comedy,” where the jokes simply flop about like a goldfish out of its bowl. You can see the sweat on Piven’s face as his tries to make his car dealing character work, but there’s simply nothing there. A lot of talented people show up, but all are squandered in a sea of cheap gags. Paramount let this one die quietly in the doldrums of summer, and a few years from now, this will be a TBS staple (remember, they know funny!).

A candidate for the worst movie I have ever seen, I can’t think of one single redeeming quality this steaming pile of celluloid can offer now that boobs are readily available on the internet. It boggles the mind that a major studio (Fox) spent millions of dollars on this crap and there are ZERO laughs to be had. You don’t need to know the plot, the stars, the anything; you just need to know to NEVER watch this movie.

I haven’t seen this, nor do I plan to, but I already know that this will suck based on the soul-numbing awfulness that was “Twilight.” Somehow I don’t think a change in director would have vastly improved Stephanie Meyer’s rancid source material, the cut-rate special effects, the terrible acting by the leads or the asinine plot. Although I must admit some curiosity as to how they are going to adopt the batshit finale for the big screen and preserve that PG-13 rating.

Were we really clamoring for a black “Fatal Attraction”? I guess someone was, because here we are. Beyonce plays the world’s shrewiest wife, who goes off the handle when she finds out her husband (Idris Elba) has been tempted by … DUN, DUN, DUN … a WHITE girl! Ali Larter plays the flaxen-haired vixen, who is just straight-up crazy – no reason is ever offered. Of course, this leads to the inevitable catfight, which I’ve handily provided for you here.

Ever since “Crash” hit it big, hacky filmmakers have been drawing in star-studded casts to participate in intertwining tales of redemption, and this one might be the worst. Even seeing Jessica Biel naked isn’t worth the price of admission! And Forest Whitaker – he seems to have made a cottage industry in appearing in these meandering movies. It’s too bad that this was Patrick Swayze’s final role – he deserved better.

The JCVD “Street Fighter” is a textbook example of a good “bad” movie. This tie-in to the video game update has none of the original’s charms. Kristen Kreuk, looking as white as the day is long, stars as the titular character, a Chinese concert pianist who gets wrapped up in a battle against the malevolent M. Bison (who is now Irish?). Even Chris Klein’s attempts to lift the film into camp territory are wasted.

The worst kind of big-budget junk, the sequel to the only-moderately-bad original takes everything that was OK about that film and throws it out the window. It is a ridiculous film in so many ways, but the fact that director Michael Bay took a premise about warring robots and turned it into a comedy is the first of many curious decisions to be found here. I won’t even get into the racist robots. Even Megan Fox thought it was stupid.

Expectations were high for this throwback comedy. Director Harold Ramis is a comedic legend, and he put together a solid cast, including Jack Black and Michael Cera, for his Biblical romp. The only problem is that someone forgot to bring the jokes. Black and Cera do their respective schticks, but it mostly seems like desperation moves to save a failing film. I found myself drifting off for most of the running time.  


~ by Elliott on December 19, 2009.

4 Responses to “The worst movies of 2009”

  1. I wish you could have posted the Jennifer Biel naked clip.

  2. I’m happy to say that I’ve only watched 1 and a half of these movies…the other movie may or may not have been turned off because of racist robots and a humping robot.

  3. I am happy to report that I haven’t seen any of the movies on this list. However, I am embarrassed to admit that I have read all four of Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight novels, though I thought the last book was one of the worst I’ve ever read in my life. I actually hope they make it into a movie, just to show those who haven’t read her crap just how awful the series really is.

  4. […] reference, check my worst lists of 2009 and 2010. So without further ado, let’s check out the bottom of the […]

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