Movie review: Haywire

Leave it to Steven Soderbergh to reinvent the action movie. Sparse, stylish and brutal, “Haywire” is the knee to the chops that the genre has been missing – a spectacular piece of blunt-force entertainment that does more in 90 minutes than Michael Bay has been able to achieve over the course of three “Transformers” movies.

Soderbergh was inspired to make “Haywire” after seeing erstwhile MMA fighter Gina Carano in action, and it’s easy to see why given Carano’s impressive moves and va-va-voom figure. Soderbergh’s smartest move was re-teaming with “The Limey” screenwriter Lem Dobbs to craft a similar stripped-down story of vengeance to build around his star.

Perhaps aware of Carano’s limitations as an actress – although to be fair, I’ve seen far worse performances by “real” actresses than Carano’s somewhat tentative line readings – Soderbergh has surrounded her with a murderer’s row of a supporting cast that includes Michael Fassbender, Ewan McGregor, Channing Tatum, Antonio Banderas and Michael Douglas, making this the classiest action film in years.

As is his wont, Soderbergh has fun playing with time, shifting the story around to reveal the layers of deception on display. Some have complained about the film’s complexity, but instead of spoonfeeding the audience the information, Soderbergh doles it out on a need-to-know basis.

The worst movies of 2011

Each year, the argument grows louder that Hollywood is bereft of good ideas, and the number of truly terrible films foisted onto the viewing public seems to validate that statement.

I’m sure people in the 1970s were complaining about some of the crap that came out back then as well, but at least they got plenty of good movies to balance the equation.

You’d think that the suits in Tinseltown would realize that we are all more savvy about the system, but still they shovel remakes, sequels, and other half-hearted properties down the pike in the hopes of turning a quick buck.

The sad thing is, they usually get it.

Some bad movies can be fun, but each of the films on this list were painful to watch in their own way. And to think about what I’m leaving off – “Bucky Larson,” “Breaking Dawn,” “Jack and Jill” (which I could not bear to watch), “The Warriors Way” – will make you shed a silent tear for the future of cinema.

For reference, check my worst lists of 2009 and 2010. So without further ado, let’s check out the bottom of the barrel… 

Live on stage: Beady Eye

I’m of the firm belief that Liam Gallagher is one of the few true rock stars left. From his penchant for making ridiculous statements in the press to his cocksure stage presence and bad-boy behavior, Gallagher seems intent on keeping the front-man tradition alive in this increasing age of bland bands and vanilla singers.

Yet it’s clear that at a base level, one that Gallagher would never admit, he’s been taken down a notch or two due to the dissolution of Oasis and his fractured relationship with brother Noel. However you felt about Oasis, there’s no denying they had the flair and fervent following to fill large-scale arenas.

Now Liam and the rest of the refugees from Oasis, Beady Eye, are reduced to playing shows at much smaller venues, like Thursday’s concert at 9:30 Club in Washington, D.C., while they build their brand. It’s a savvy (and realistic) move that gives Liam center stage in a rollicking show that proves the old Oasis magic is still there, with a touch of modern sound.

Make no mistake, this was no Oasis show. I would imagine that 99% of the crowd was hoping Gallagher would touch on some of his earlier work, but Liam would never give his brother that satisfaction, so the group stuck solely to its “Different Gear, Still Speeding” album, playing the record in its entirety and throwing a couple of new songs in as well. 

CD review: Take Care

Of the panoply of sub-genres that make up the modern rap scene, from trap rap to whatever Kreayshawn is attempting to do, the absolute worst is “Success Is So Hard” rap.

Quite simply, no one wants to hear that shit. Oh, man, it must be so difficult to live your life with money bursting out of your pocket and supermodels begging to have sexual relations with you.

It doesn’t make any sense. That’s like Susan Sarandon showing up at Occupy Wall Street. Bitch, you have enough money to open up a goddamn ping-pong bar - I think you fall into the 1% the unwashed masses are complaining about.

Complaining about the wonderful riches afforded to him, however, appears to be Aubrey “Drake” Graham’s raison d’être for getting on the mic. His sophomore effort “Take Care” is filled with the woeful tales of his multi-million dollar record contract, drunken nights in Toronto and dalliances with exotic strippers, making this sure-to-be blockbuster one of the worst records of the year.

Look, I don’t have any problem with introspection – some of my favorite songs delve deeper than rap’s normal surface subjects – but there’s a fine line between that and navel-gazing, which Drake traffics in throughout the entire record.

After listening to the first seven tracks, I felt like I needed to see a therapist, because Drake hammers us over the head with his “horrible” life and desperate romantic travails. Isn’t music supposed to be escapist? Fun? I don’t hear any joy in a large portion of this record – wallowing in misery is not my thing, especially when most of it is the off-key warblings of a former child TV star who is now teamed up with the top record label in the music biz. 

Movie review: A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas

I honestly think your enjoyment of “A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas” boils down to this: does the notion of a 4-year-old getting high off weed, coke and ecstasy sound funny or reprehensible?

If it’s the former, this is flick for you. If it’s the latter, I’m sure “Puss in Boots” is playing somewhere nearby.

Obviously, the “Harold & Kumar” trilogy owes a large debt to the “Cheech & Chong” flicks, and here, they return to the gleeful pot-smoking antics that were missing from the disjointed second flick, “Escape from Guantanamo Bay.”

The plot is merely a perfunctory excuse to get our boys in increasingly ridiculous situations, this time with the added bonus of 3-D presentation.

Three years after their last adventure, Harold (John Cho) has moved on with his wife, trading joints for sconces and a boring Wall Street job. Kumar (Kal Penn), on the other hand, is still living in a weed-addled haze, his friendship with Harold shot thanks to his irresponsibility. 

Live on stage: Jay-Z & Kanye West

After overpromising and underdelivering with their “Watch The Throne” CD this summer, the concept of a mega-tour from Jay-Z and Kanye West seemed like another opportunity to disappoint, given the many ways rap shows can turn into disasters.

But Jay and Kanye bucked the trend, and their Watch The Throne tour stop in Washington, D.C. on Thursday was one of the best live shows I’ve ever attended, a perfect showcase for their ferocity, charisma and power, and a testament to the outstanding careers of two of the biggest artists in music.

In their 2 1/2-hour, nonstop performance, Jay and Kanye blazed through their group songs and took individual solo forays through their greatest hits, a strategy that left the packed crowd at the Verizon Center with hardly a moment to breathe before another huge hit came blasting over the speakers. A concert with no downtime? What a concept!

Of course, the show didn’t start on time, but was anyone expecting that? Right around 9 p.m., Jay and Kanye took their place on giant cubes on the floor of the arena and the bombastic beat of “H.A.M.” kicked in to the screams of the crowd. These cubes then elevated over the crowd and projected images on each side, a stylistic touch that signified this was not just a rap show, but an event.

The sh*t list: Zooey Deschanel

Welcome to The sh*t list, a recurring column in which we will discuss the actors and actresses that we hate for no apparent reason other than they annoy the crap out of us. Today’s victim: Zooey Deschanel of TV’s “New Girl.”

I’ve got no problem with people being quirky. It’s a character trait, which in moderation, can be quite interesting. However, quirkiness should not define one’s life. Apparently someone forgot to tell that to the spectacularly annoying Zooey Deschanel, who has made an entire career out of the conceit of the manic pixie dream girl writ real, much to my chagrin.

Think about this. Have you ever seen Ms. Deschanel when she is not doing something twee or “adorkable,” to quote the Fox marketing execs shamelessly shilling her awful show “New Girl”? Has she ever just been real and not some hipster masturbation fantasy?

Oh look, let’s build an entire show around how darn cute and odd Zooey is! She can be this free spirit who lives with a bunch of dudes! Isn’t that hilarious? It is, because she wears glasses! And is all flibbertigibbety!

Movie review: Final Destination 5

The “Final Destination” films are almost sublime in their simplicity – someone gets an ominous premonition, horrible deaths occur and the survivors of said event are picked off one by one in Rube Goldberg-ian ways. Wash, rinse, repeat.

After three moderately successful installments, the franchise took a big step back with the shoddy “The Final Destination,” which was originally planned for a straight-to-DVD release before a last-minute change of heart by Warner Bros. The lackluster quality showed, but that didn’t stop audiences from making it the most financially successful of the series.

So, it’s no surprise that “FD5″ got rushed into production. What is a surprise is that the movie reverses the trend of the prior installment and provides 90 minutes of solid entertainment.

Oh, make no mistake, “FD5″ is not a good movie in the traditional sense of the word. But horror movie buffs will get a kick out of it thanks to the always inventive death traps and plentiful gore on display.

While on a bus ride to a corporate retreat, wannabe chef Sam (Nicholas D’Agosto) has a vision of a horrific bridge collapse that will kill hundreds of people. When he convinces seven other people to get off the bus seconds before the bridge does go down, he sets into motion the inevitable call of death and its quirky sense of karmic justice.

A public service announcement from Donald Sutherland

Hello, I’m Donald Sutherland, veteran actor of the stage and screen. I’m speaking to you today to address a serious issue that is very important to me. Quite simply, I don’t want to die anymore.

I mean, c’mon! Every time I make a movie, I either get killed or die of old age. It’s not fair! Yes, I realize that I may be on the old side, but look at my robust mane! My full, strong beard! Check my posture – ramrod straight!

What have I done to you, the moviegoing public and Hollywood producers, to perpetuate this sick cycle of my death? Do you realize how much it sucks to wake up and go to work knowing that I am to be killed? I am a two-time Golden Globe Best Supporting Actor winner! I was in M*A*S*H for crying out loud – no, not the TV show, the movie!

I am only 76 – you know, people live longer and longer each year, but you wouldn’t know it from my recent cinematic output. Perhaps you saw me, in a wheelchair, no less, get murdered in “The Mechanic.” I didn’t even get the dignity of an on-screen death in “Horrible Bosses.” Nobody has Starz, so you didn’t see me bite the dust in “The Pillars of the Earth.”

“The Italian Job”? Dead. Some movie I did called “Beerfest” – dead. “Cold Mountain”? Yeah, I keeled over in that one. I got killed by my own daughter in “An American Haunting” because I was sexually abusing her. Great.

Do you know what my dreams are like? I get killed in them all the time. I know the ins and outs of the funeral process. It’s downright depressing. My family doesn’t even like to hang around with me, because I’m always obsessing about how I’m going to buy it in my next movie.

Please help me. I’m counting on you to make a difference. Help suggest a nice romantic comedy for me – I’m quite virile. How about a warm and fuzzy animated film – I can play a funny bear! Anything but death. Anything. /Begins sobbing.

The 5 biggest rap concert killers

Recently, I went to see the Wu-Tang Clan in concert at a tiny venue less than two miles from my house here in suburban D.C. Aside from being shocked that the mighty Wu was playing the State Theatre, home to such noteworthy acts as The Legwarmers and Frontiers, I was equally impressed that we were told up front that the RZA would not be appearing instead of having to squint through the Clan and determine the Abbot was not there.

It was a rare up-front moment in the notoriously shady world of rap concerts, and gave me hope that we would see a top-notch show.

And so the eager crowd packed into the State and waited… and waited… and waited. As a rap-show veteran, I’m well aware that NO rap concert is starting at the stated time on the ticket, but the Wu left the crowd standing around until midnight before coming on stage and immediately falling victim to one of the things that absolutely (and routinely) send rap shows spiraling into oblivion.

Here are, in no order, the five biggest rap concert killers (and I’ve unfortunately seen them all).